Pride and Prejudice and Promiscuity

Gay men are not like the rest of us

Yes of course, the men attending a gay pride parade are perhaps overachievers in the field of sexual conquest.  But the stereotype of the promiscuous gay man is long established and accurate.  Do not pretend otherwise.

Gay men want to be treated like everyone else; get married like everyone else; these days, have children like everyone else.  But don't kid yourselves, they are not like everyone else.

I'm pretty liberal about gay people and the gay lifestyle; they can do whatever they like, both in and out of the bedroom.  But this level of promiscuity does not lend itself to marriage and children, not to mention public health.

Yes, these debates are over.  But maybe they need a second, more realistic, look.

The public has largely accepted what gay men do.  Even if most of us do not really want to think about it.  But if a heterosexual man has this many sexual partners, most people would consider that licentious and degenerate.  Here, even the term partner is out of place.  These are not partners in any sense of the imagination.  But I do not know a better term to describe the person on the other side of a daily, one-off, anonymous, sexual encounter.  Of any type.

Well there is slut, right?  But call a gay man a slut and his response is likely to be:  Oh honey, you are so right.  You don't know the half of it.  Look at the men in the above video; they are proud of it.

Regarding a heterosexual man with that amount of sexual activity, some will surely envy his sexual prowess.  But they will also call him a womanizer or a player; and no one is going to consider him marriage material.  But is the heterosexual male slut also proud?  Yeah maybe.  But how many of these guys are there versus what is really normalization on the gay side.

I recently watched the Netflix remake of Alan Alda's The Four Seasons.  And today of course, it includes a married gay couple.  Okay fine.  But in the series, the gay couple pick up an anonymous stranger and take him back to their hotel room to have sex.  Like this is normal.

That is not normal.  I mean it may be normal gay behavior and I do not care if that is what you want to get up to.  Have at it.  But it is not normal marriage behavior.  And this is not the first time I have seen this in a television series.  I saw one production a couple of years ago where the requisite gay couple had multiple outside partners.  Hollywood has decided that this is, in fact, normal and the rest of us should get on board with it.

Now, I am perfectly well aware of the fact that some small number of heterosexual married couples also have so-called open relationships.  But here too, let us not pretend this is normal marriage behavior.  I will add what I always think about when someone is unfaithful to their spouse:  If you do not want to be married, just do not be married.  It is not as complicated as people sometimes want it to be.

Like I said, I do not care what anyone does.  But let us not pretend that gay men are like us.  And if this is normal behavior for you, straight or gay, maybe marriage is not your thing.

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Narcissistic Wannabe Thugs

The other day I was in the supermarket and I noticed an American fellow covered in tattoos.  Of course, it's a pretty common sight these days.  But I noticed something about this fellow and it made me think back to what I have noticed about other heavily tattooed men.

This guy sort of strutted around.  You know, chest puffed out, lots of swagger and bravado, etc.  It was as if he was walking through the prison yard and he wanted to make sure he was sending the right message to his...fellow travelers.

There seem to be two types of men who get heavily tattooed.  The beta males who want to appear more masculine.  They most often fail – Hey, they are what they are.  And the alpha males who are over-invested in their masculinity and they need others to know it.  The guys come closer to their goal; it's sort of an in your face aggressiveness.  The don't mess with me prison yard meme.  And I guess that's fine, if you are actually in a prison yard.  But it looks a bit out of place in the supermarket.

And yes, I think these guys have turned themselves into memes.  I mean, I know some legitimate bad asses.  Believe me, they don't need a bunch of tattoos to convey the message.  And I've certainly never seen them strut around.  Not once.  In fact, all legit bad asses that I've met are pretty low key.

I can only assume this peacocking is what peacocking is always about:  Women.  I've seen recent polls that confirm young women think men with tattoos are more masculine and dominant.  And I know that there is a certain type of woman who likes the Andrew Tate, aggressive male persona.  Nowadays these women are easy to spot because they often have their own share of tattoos.  Though mind you, not in every case.

I've made the point before that the degeneration of men that we see today largely stems from the abandonment of standards by women.  That is, if women did not like this behavior, then men would not behave this way.  Men would not dress like thugs and act like thugs if women did not want thugs.  Or at least thug wannabes.

Now there is at least one other element of the strutting tattooed man worth considering.  Acquiring so many tattoos is a fundamentally narcissistic pursuit.  One might argue that one or two tattoos are a personal artistic indulgence or remembrance.  But to get a sleeve or more, that has the look at me quality of the true narcissist.  Tattoos have become a manifestation of narcissism:  Look at me, look at me!

The self-esteem movement, followed by social media proliferation have turned a whole generation into raging narcissists.

Tattoos were sure to follow.

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How to Deal with Difficult People

Rule:  People who are difficult to talk with are almost always not worth the effort.

I was raised to believe that we should be nice to everyone.  I was later educated to believe that we can learn something from everyone.  I guess if you put these together what you get is that everyone has something useful and interesting inside them, and even if it is difficult, we should tease it out.  We should give everyone the opportunity to demonstrate their inner worthiness.  Think about the crusty academic who never really mastered social skills, but is brilliant in his field.

Do those people exist?  Absolutely.  I have met plenty of people like this, and yes, learned something from them.

But at some point I realized that never really mastered social skills was not some benign little flaw.  The sort of shortcoming that should be overlooked because of their brilliance.  If they have not mastered basic social skills it is because they do not care about basic social skills.  And that almost always means they do not care about...you.

And of course, that is absolutely fine if they are Albert Einstein.  But what if they're not?  What if they are some mediocre academic?  Or your roommate?  Your neighbor?  I mean, how many people are Albert Einstein?  If you live next to Steve Jobs, and he's a jerk, it's understandable, even forgivable.  But if you live next to Fred Smith?  That is something altogether different.  And let's be honest, most of us are Fred Smith.

So if someone is difficult to talk with, you have a cost-benefit analysis to run in your head.  Ask yourself, what are the odds that this person is worth the effort to overcome his or her rudeness to discover their inner light?  If you are the generous type, you might also ask yourself, what are the odds that this brilliant (or charming) person is just having a bad day?  Because of course we all do on occasion.

So will you sometimes answer the question incorrectly?  No doubt.  Sometimes you will ignore a rude brilliant person.  And hopefully less often, you will engage with a rude mediocre person.

We only have so much time.  Personally, I'd rather risk making the first error.

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The Islands of Misfit American Men

What type of American man comes to the Philippines?

I used to eat lunch in a small Filipino-American cafe.  Everyday, for years.  It was owned by a Filipina-American who became a friend of mine.  She had quite a few Filipina girlfriends who would also frequent the place.  Pretty ladies, all married to American men.  The owner had met her husband when he served in the Philippines in the US military (I forget the branch).  This was also true for some of the other Filipinas.  But a good number of them had done the penpal, and later internet dating, thing to meet their husbands.

At some point, the future husband had traveled to the Philippines and returned home with his bride or bride-to-be.  Well over time, I also met a number of the husbands.  Like I said, I ate lunch in this place for years.  I don't remember any of the husbands specifically; they were all pretty unremarkable.  But I can tell you that, and this was only my personal sense, they were all a bit awkward, socially awkward.  No big deal, and at the time, I did not give it any thought whatsoever.

After a few years, one of these ladies introduced me to one of her single Filipina girlfriends.  I'll skip the details, but ten years later, this gal, now my wife, and I, moved to the Philippines.

There's a lot to notice living in a foreign country.  I've written here about some of it.  But one thing I noticed for sure was other Americans.  All men.  They do stand out here.  Why?  It's not what you might imagine.

There is something odd about these men.  All of them.  Let me give you the rundown of the typical American man in the Philippines:

• He is socially awkward.  This is the primary characteristic of these men.
• He is not handsome, certainly not in any western sense.
• He is not financially successful.
• He is low status, socially.  Broadly speaking (job, education, family, background, etc.)
• He could not find a wife in the US, or his wife left him.  Basically American women did not want him.

Yet here, these same guys can find a well-above-average looking (by American standards) wife who is kind and loyal.  She is most often younger than the man, sometimes quite a bit younger, and occasionally obscenely younger.  The poor Filipinas don't know any better.  I am not saying they're stupid; they just have no basis of comparison.  That's why the men come here.  They don't have to compete with above average American men.  They don't even have to compete with average American men.  Some of these guys will return to the states with their brides.  But a good number of them stay here.

Look, none of the above make him a bad guy.  I'm not saying that.  But this is such a noticeable reality that there's no sense in denying it.  And there's so many of them.  Yet needless to say, nobody talks about this.

Sure, sure, this cannot apply to all American men in the Philippines, right?  Well when I meet one who does not fall into this stereotype, I'll let you know.

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Attendant Self-Containment

First came a reassessment of the people surrounding me.  A largely voluntary post-fifty purge.  An indelicate word, but that's what it was.  Then came the expulsion from my family.  Followed by the long overdue estrangement.  It was not entirely coincidental that I then married a woman who loves me unconditionally.  We moved to my wife's home country.  It was the right decision for us.  The point is, for better or worse, I have been losing or removing people from my life for a few years now.

But I did have a few remaining friends.  Then just before we left the US, I lost a couple more.  Long time friends, from high school.  One because our friendship could only exist on her erratic and capricious terms.  Only if and when she fancied it.  She's a fiction writer with an artist's flair and bohemian demeanor.  And that has always given her license to be flaky and flighty.  But more recently, she became so blithely unreliable and unstable that our relationship was simply untenable.  The second, well I'm afraid that the first took the second with her.  I admire his loyalty.  But sadly, that was the end of that.

It is interesting to note that these were my last two politically left-of-center friends.  I did not set out to remove left-of-center people from my life.  But a few years ago I did make the decision not to add any.  The simple fact is this:  No matter where they fall on the left-of-center political spectrum, these people do not share my values.  At this point I think it is fair to say, if I cannot trust people politically, I cannot trust them personally.  In any case, I choose not to.  I just can no longer believe that there are good people who happen to be on the left.  I actually believe just the opposite:  If you are left-of-center, and support left-of-center candidates and causes, you are not a good person.

Losing my last two left-of-center friends made this revelation possible.  I do realize that some will find this an extreme position.  But if you have read this journal since the start of the Covid lockdowns, you will know why.  Today we have CRT, equity rather than equality, gender identity, cancel culture, censorship, anti-semitism, climate change, a ridiculous energy policy, open borders, dollar devaluation, complete educational collapse, etc.  Left-of-center types either directly or tacitly support all of this nonsense.  Gender-affirming surgery for the prepubescent?  That's not mere nonsense; it's evil.  The way the Left handled Covid, politicians and voters alike, has been shameful.

The idea that these policies are misguided but well intentioned is simply not believable.  Rather, the Left has gone fully progressive.  And as David Horowitz points out:  Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out.  Both the politicians and their voters – Just look at the mask nazis.  They're all drunk with power.  They seem to have forgotten what the word liberal means.  Or, they simply do not care.  Every last one of them.  And I've had it.  It's shameful and I no longer want anything to do with these miscreants.

I want to be crystal clear about this.  There are many bad people on the Right.  An often unkind and intolerant religious fundamentalism, true racists, and other assorted bigots.  But there are absolutely no good people on the Left.  And yes, I am fully aware that many people on the Left feel exactly the same about those of us on the Right.  But here's the thing:  We cannot both be correct.  Either the Left's view of the world is correct.  Or, the Right's view is correct.  Pick your side.  Because going forward, there will be war before we get back to the idea of compromise.

I had thought that my remaining friendships were strong, but I now wonder if they are not rather fragile and ultimately dischargeable.  I mean, with my attitude outlined above, some will say, you do this to yourself.  Quite right.

I am responsible for this.  I am simply ill-equipped to develop and maintain relationships in general, and friendships in particular.  I have tried to change.  And I will keep trying.  But I fear it is a lost cause.  I was broken too early to be salvageable.

This is not an excuse.  Rather I just don't have the skill set.  And try as I might, I am not sure I ever will.  Don't get me wrong, I can and do live by these rules.  But I don't seem to be able to maintain friendships.

As with anything, at some point, you get used to it.  And I have become accustomed to losing people.  The details don't really matter.  Sometimes there are clear reasons.  Other times, the reasons are vague.  The only thing that matters is that people are lost.

I have my wife.  I am so thankful for her.  I suppose it is cliche to say it, but she is my best friend.

The others are lost.  I lost them.  Some by choice; some by negligence.

I am not seeking violins here.  I will live with the consequences.  So we, my wife and I, are now self-contained.  Perhaps reluctantly, but necessarily.

Okay.

We'll make do.

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Why Bother?

What's the point of talking to the other side?

Over the last decade, it has become increasingly clear to me that the divide between the Left and the Right is irreconcilable.  For a long time, it was arguable that sports could be our one, last shared experience.  But today, just look at how the two sides view sports.  It is like we are not watching the same spectacle.  We certainly view the purpose differently.  Even in this last arena, where we once were united, now as in all else, we are divided.

Sports joins a long list:

We do not view the same television or movies.

Or any of the same media.

We do not read the same books.

We do not read the same journalism.

We cannot agree on our history.

We do not eat the same food or in the same restaurants.

We do not shop in the same stores.

Increasingly, we do not share the same language.

We do not even share the same weather.

Today it is so bad, that we can each observe a situation or event, and yet we cannot even agree on the facts of what we have just witnessed.  We cannot agree on what is a man and what is a woman, and even whether or not these exist.

Some of us want equality of outcomes; some of us want equality of opportunity.  Some of us view racism as the defining feature of this country, past and present.  Obviously, they have not traveled much.  Others know that the United States leads the world in race relations.  The difference here is vast and insurmountable.

Some of us believe that silence is violence and that actual violence is free speech.  And some of us believe that silence is silence and violence is violence.  And the best cure for bad ideas and bad speech, is more speech and differing perspectives.  But the cultural revolutionaries insist that you parrot their every thought.  Aloud.  Or else.

And beyond these real differences, we look down on the choices, observations, and opinions, of the other side.  We do not share the same moral outlook.  We do not share the same values.  And let's face it, we question the morality of the other side.

I know this is true for me.  Take Covid for instance.  I view the way the Left has dealt with this "crisis" as immoral.  At the same time, I refuse to use made-up pronouns.  And of course, they view this as immoral.  Even violent.

I view my wealthy, very left-of-center former friends as immoral.  As they preach their lefty doctrine from their million-dollar homes.  Oh, and look down their noses at average, hard-working, very middle class, right-of-center types.  You know, the guy working in the heat to keep their air conditioner running.

I am not wild about the religious right, and all their similar moralizing.  They can be very cruel to people with a different conception of God.  And certainly to people with no god.  But they hold so little power and influence; their judgements matter little in our world.

I see no point in engaging in any discussion with the Left.  Individually or as a group.  If we cannot agree on basic facts, there is no longer a point of origin.  We can no longer hash things out in the public square, nor in the marketplace of ideas.  We go on our respective television networks and preach to our own choirs.  Engagement with the other side is not part of the equation.  Yes, this is bad, but evidently, in 2021, this is the way we, all of us, want it.

And if you do try to engage, say on an individual level, with your friends or family or colleagues, I think you will find that their starting point is so foreign, that you do not even recognize it.

Dinner conversations that at one time were interesting discussions of current affairs, now revolve, exclusively, around children and their antics (but not their academics, which of course have become politicized).  Although, if we are feeling a bit reckless, we may venture into lawn care.  Just avoid discussing fertilizer choices or your new gas-powered lawnmower.

But let's face it, we no longer have "mixed" dinner parties.  No, not any of the out-of-date definitions of "mixed."  Thankfully, we have put that nonsense behind us.  Although, this too, is a point of contention.  No I mean "mixed" as in ideologically diverse.  Politically diverse.  Can't be done today.

Today's dinner party is an echo chamber.

We are all worse off for it.  But the worst is yet to come.

There will be blood in the streets.

There already is.

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The Graceless

I have a friend and colleague who occasionally reminds me that, with other people, we have to take the good with the bad.  We have to make allowances and accept that people, no matter how much we may like them, will have some traits that we do not like.  And we all know this is true.

But when I turned 50, I looked around, and I was not happy with the people surrounding me.  Friends and family, colleagues and co-workers, clients and vendors, even acquaintances.  Many of these people are not chosen, certainly not family.  Others just sort of drift into our lives and, well, stay.  Somehow.

These people, I came to realize, enjoyed our relationship on their own terms.  Terms that I had long tolerated, but never accepted.  And I always knew that if I changed these terms, then the relationship would wither and likely die.

A relationship, especially a friendship, is an honor.  We should be honored to have someone as a friend.  And grateful.  But at the same time, the reverse is true.  Others should be honored to have us as a friend.  And grateful.  There should be a certain reciprocal grace to it all.

Is this really such a high bar?  Apparently so.

So I decided, enough.  I ended my relationships with two close friends.  And I had another friend who did the ending with me; which was fine.  I stopped returning calls and messages of some others.  I severely limited new relationships of any kind.  Total house cleaning.

I never really tolerated toxic people.  But I found that avoiding toxic people was not enough for me.  I needed to rid myself of the graceless.  And the noise and clutter of the graceless.  With less noise comes more clarity.  And more focus.  On who and what is important.

Now I know what you are thinking:  Be careful, you will end up a lonely old man.  Relationships are messy by nature and we should be grateful for any of them.  But surely we, all of us, can expect some minimum level of goodwill and behavior.  Surely we owe this to ourselves.
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A Notorious Romantic Contradiction

By the essence and nature of existence, contradictions cannot exist.  If you find one, check your premises.  You will find that one of them is wrong.
Ayn Rand, 1957

Let's have a look at two well-known truths which apparently form a contradiction:

• Women like the bad boys
• Women want to partner/marry/have-children-with nice guys

On the face of it, this is clearly a contradiction.  Perhaps some women want one or the other.  But in my experience, many women want both.  Quite the conundrum.

So is it possible to construct a scenario where women can want and have both without the existence of a contradiction?

What if a woman believes that she can change him?  Him being the chosen bad boy.  Well, people do believe all kinds of crazy things.

Or, what if the woman knows she cannot change him, but what she really wants, what she secretly desires, is that he will voluntary give up his bad boy ways - for her.  Then she can have both her bad boy AND a nice partner sans contradiction.  Hey, she might even let him keep his Harley.

Both of these scenarios go a long way towards explaining why otherwise smart women continuously date cads.

Let me tell you a happy/sad story about my friends, Mr. & Mrs. G.  Now, when Mr. G. was a young man, he was a first class bad-ass.  We'll leave it at that, but we all know the type.  He met the future Mrs. G. in school and they dated on-again, off-again through high school and college.  While Mr. G. was a real jerk, future Mrs. G. thought he was just dreamy.  Dangerously dreamy.  Okay, first rule above:  Check.

Today, Mr. & Mrs. G. are in their mid-forties, have been married twenty-plus years, and have two teenage daughters.  Now, here's the thing:  Mr. G. is one of the nicest guys I know.  Second rule above:  Check.

What happened to the jerk?  Well I'll tell you.  He changed.  I know this couple pretty well, and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he changed for her.  And, he's not faking it.  He wanted to make her happy and hold on to her long term.  They will both tell you so.

So what is the point of this story?  That women can have both?  No, absolutely not.  Because Mr. & Mrs. G. are the exceptions.  Sure, they exist (this is a true story) and we might all know similar people, but here's the thing - they are not the rule.  That is why this is a sad story.  Women believe that this is, if not the rule, at least possible.  And that they too can be the exception.  Women over-estimate their ability to have both.

So because women cannot change him and because most-often he will not change for her, we get a lot of sad, sometimes even abusive, relationships.  And to make it worse, many times these same women bring this same mindset to their next relationship and it happens all over again.  Different jerk, same result.  Imagine that.

So my dear women readers (if I have any left), would it not be easier (and better odds) to just start with the nice guys?  Yes, yes, I know:  Too safe, too boring; where's the danger, where's the excitement?

Besides, you are clearly the exception.

Have a nice day.

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