The Ultimate Excuse For Bad Behavior

It's their culture

It always seems to start with noise in public.  No matter what, public noise, the speakers, the smartphones, loud voices, whatever it is, well, it's their culture.

And because it is their culture, you are not supposed to complain.  And if you do have the temerity to complain, you are expected to accept it's their culture as a legitimate excuse; and let that be the end of it.

Well no, just no.

But noise is only the start.  Bad behavior in restaurants, undisciplined children running amok, cultural scams like the skin tax, praying en masse on the streets and sidewalks, the amplified adhan five times a day, the lack of daily bathing, the failure to respect lines (queues), elastic punctuality, the list is endless.

And don't get me started on table manners and eating habits.  Now I do not care what people eat.  Different cultures eat different things.  But I do care a great deal if your culture attempts to control what I eat.  No, that's really bad, and no, I don't care if it is your culture.  Not even a little.

Lately ghetto and racket behavior are ruining, or threaten to ruin, all public spaces.  But don't you dare complain; you see, it's their culture.

And notice this:  It's their culture is rarely applied to good habits.  Why?  Because few of us notice a culture's good habits.  Why would we?  Oh, he bathes every day?  I hadn't noticed.

So each of us can decide for ourselves whether cultural practices should be accepted.  But I do not accept, cannot accept, the cultural excuse for bad behavior.  Bad behavior is bad behavior.  And here is a dirty little secret that only gets revealed over time and only if you pay close attention.  People are fully aware that their cultural practice is bad.

Does anyone really believe that Pakistani rape gangs are unaware that rape is unneighborly?  The idea is absurd.

One final example that I like to use is people from Holland and Germany and Scandinavia, who love to tell others how direct, blunt, and frank, they are, as a culture.  But I have long suspected that what is really going on is that they use frankness as an excuse for rudeness.  And moreover, they are perfectly well aware that this is what they are doing.  Bad behavior is bad behavior; and rudeness is rudeness.

They all know.  Of course they know.  It's my culture is just the most efficacious excuse.

Remember, culture is what we tolerate.

If you want to improve your culture, do not tolerate bad behavior.
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Grammar is a Signal

WSJ:  There's an inverse correlation between power and proper grammar

That's pretty much the long and the short of the whole article (archive).  But I would add that there is a correlation between proper grammar and respect.  So when did power come to mean a lack of respect?

I am a terrible self-editor, but I do make every effort to not make, and certainly not send, grammatical or spelling errors.  But according to The Wall Street Journal, in 2026, this makes me some kind of toady.

Have we become so blasé about written communications that we fail to comprehend that there is an etiquettical dimension to the process?  Or do we just no longer care?

I mean even if I am communicating with a subordinate, I will make every effort to write properly.  I might even make more of an effort, because I would not want them to think I am illiterate, right?  That would be shameful.  Or at least embarrassing.

Well...no.

The authors of this piece seem to be saying that we demonstrate our power by using bad grammar.  Or at the very least, power gives us permission to dispense with proper grammar and editing.  Personally, I think they have been reading way too much Foucault.

But this much is clearly true.  People today like to assume that whomever they are communicating with will not assume that they are illiterate.  The correspondent will simply assume that they are busy or blame the technology or whatever.  Or, they assume that the correspondent will simply believe that they just cannot be bothered.  So there is no embarrassment much less shame.

Is that the message that we want to send?  And if it is, what does that say about us?  Here's a question:  What would your grandmother have thought about your grandfather if his love letters were full of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes?  Maybe you would not be here.

No, consistently bad grammar and spelling is a signal.  He just cannot be bothered.  That's the signal.

Here's my question:  What else is he not bothered about?

If you believe that bad grammar signals something else; maybe it does.  It could represent any number of signals.  But all of them are bad.

And if etiquettical is not a word, I will be ashamed.

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The Elevator Test

Peter Boghossian on social cohesion

After living in the third world for the last four years, I can assure you this test is valid.  If members of a society never learn to treat each other well, we cannot expect them to come into our societies (of the West) and treat us well.  And this is an obvious test; there are less flagrant attitudes and behaviors.  If high-caste Indians look down on all other Indians, they will undoubtedly look down on you as well.  After all, you are not even Indian, much less Brahmin.

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Minimum Table Manners

When I was growing up, my parents and grandparents were tyrannical about table manners.  It was far too much, and importantly, completely unnecessary.

But is there a minimum level that will suffice?  Let's make a list.  Obviously this is not a list for very informal dining in one's own kitchen.  But if you have guests, are attending a dinner party, or any group, or are dining out, these rules apply.

I have written about this before, but let me just again state that this list applies regardless of culture.

• General principle:  Respect and observe the sanctity of the table.  Maintain decorum, which includes the below rules, and perhaps others as required.  Manners are not for yourself, but for the others at the table.  People who cannot abide by these rules deserve to eat alone.
• Eat/chew with your mouth closed.
• Always use utensils (knives, forks, spoons).
• As a host, you may well provide chopsticks for the comfort of your guests, but never use them yourself.
• Do not put anything into your mouth that has not first been cut into a size that will fit in your mouth.  Actually, quite a bit smaller.  Good manners start with small bites.
• Do not speak with anything in your mouth.
• Smartphones should always be silent, and in fact largely kept away from the table.  Calls should not be made or taken while at the table.  If absolutely necessary, quietly excuse yourself, and take calls away from the table and/or outside of the restaurant.  If other guests abuse this rule, and they will, do not yourself add to the disruption.
• One should always remember that eating together is not about eating.  You can do that alone in the kitchen.  Rather it is about socializing with the others at the table.
• Do not begin eating until everyone at the table has been served.  The only possible exception to this rule is if a restaurant is incompetent and delays one or more entrees.  In which case, the unserved diners should insist that the served diners:  Please, do not let your food get cold.
• It is perfectly acceptable to be the first or last to finish, but try to be roughly in sync with everyone else at the table.  Adjust accordingly as the meal progresses.  If it is a multi-course affair, this rule applies to each course.
• Do not reach.  If you can reach something on the table without standing and without reaching over someone and/or their plate, really without reaching through the airspace of their entire place setting, then fine, help yourself.  Otherwise, politely ask someone to pass the item or dish to you.  Always pass salt and pepper together.
• Supply and use napkins.  If you are the host, supply more napkins than needed.
• Babies do not belong at the table.  Children can be brought to the table only once they have mastered these basics.  Never arrive with uninvited children.
• Only eat and drink or not eat and drink what is provided.  Never make special requests.  As a host, in order to insure maximum comfort for your guests, you may well ask about dietary restrictions or preferences.  But if this is not initiated by the host, let that be the end of it.  If you cannot abide by this rule, you should decline all dining invitations, and only yourself host.  Other people are not responsible for your idiosyncrasies.
• However, if you are hosting a vegan dinner party or some other such misadventure, make sure that your guests know in advance this is what you are doing.  Being the host also does not make other people responsible for your idiosyncrasies.
• In a restaurant, it should be extremely rare (maybe once in a lifetime) to send anything back to the kitchen.  The reason for this rule is that some people use this tactic, and often that is exactly what it is, to assert their dominance.  It is a low class move.  If the food is not up to your expectations, the way to deal with this is to not return.
• Similarly:  Rarely, if ever, complain about anything.  Simply keep a stiff upper lip and do not return.  No, not even a quiet word to the manager on the way out; no, not even after you have paid the bill.  No matter how discreet you are about it, the restaurant is going to believe you are looking for something for free.  This is not really about restaurant assumptions; it is about how in fact other people behave.

Are there more?  Of course; people write books on this stuff.  The more esoteric rules are full of nuance and context and require more study and practice than a simple list can provide.  But here I have tried to distill the basics.  Because as I look around me, even the basics seem to be lost.

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