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From the brilliant Hugh MacLeod.
I'm not religious at all. In fact, I'm an atheist and an anti-theist. But what does it matter? MacLeod's question is: Who are you, really? I might change it to: Who do you want to be?
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I posted this here about a year ago, but I was thinking of it this week. So I wanted to repost it. I have been giving a lot of thought to integrity. Not just professional integrity, but more generally, living a high integrity life. And being honest with ourselves and others.
There's been a lot of discussion of emotional intelligence since Daniel Goleman's 1995 book, Emotional Intelligence, appeared. But there is less discussion on emotional integrity. If you run this Google search, you'll find lots of mushy, feel-good, self-help type articles. I can't say that I found any of them very helpful.
I did find this definition:
Emotional integrity is the courage to acknowledge one’s true feelings, wants and desires without judging them with the societal lens. In essence, it is about being 100% honest with oneself. If one is just emotionally intelligent without being emotionally honest, the benefit will at best be temporary and skin deep.
I find the idea of emotional integrity appealing. But I'm not really happy with this definition. My concern is that this can be selfish, right? If we are honest, yes of course, feelings, wants, and desires can be selfish. But actions need not be. It seems to me that acknowledging selfishness should be part of the process.
We all have selfish desires now and again. Of course we do. But while we can and should acknowledge these, I don't think mere acknowledgement is the only thing that matters. It is not enough. What matters more is how we comport ourselves in the face of our own desires. While some of us can transcend selfishness, most of us are less saintly, and have to act appropriately in spite of it. That takes real integrity.
It is worth remembering that it is not only our own well-being or fulfillment or even happiness that matters. Yes, we want and deserve these qualities. But at what cost? Integrity demands that we consider others and the consequences of our actions.
But I do like his courage to acknowledge line.
So let me take a stab at my own definition:
Emotional Integrity: The courage to acknowledge one’s true feelings, wants, and desires, to ourselves and to others, and not being afraid to act unselfishly on those emotions. Even if misunderstood or not shared or not reciprocated by others.
That is a pretty high standard.