One thing we all learn in childhood is that different people eat different things. It might be cultural or religious or a simple question of preference. As difficult as it is for me to understand, some people do not drink coffee. The French eat snails. My sister has a sister-in-law who pretty much does not eat anything. She literally takes her own food everywhere she goes. The Indians do not eat beef. This is extremely difficult for an American to understand. In the United Kingdom, any decent serving of fish and chips comes with mushy peas.
But are we not allowed to make judgments on what people eat? Snails smothered in melted garlic butter are still snails, even if you give them a fancy French name. It is rude to take your own food into someone else's home. And no steakhouses? It's unimaginable. Mushy peas? Come on now.
I have written previously on how people eat: Here and here. Now, though it may be equally culturally insensitive, let us discuss what people eat. And yes, one could write a book on this topic. But let's discuss pizza. We will leave the vast subject of pizza dough to another post. Here, let us focus on toppings alone.
And again, pizza toppings are like any other food. Different people will eat different things, and choose differing pizza toppings. Nothing wrong with that. You cannot expect Muslims or Jews to use pork sausage as a topping. Ground beef, no problem. Well, unless you are Hindu. You get the point.
And beyond religious and cultural reasons, everyone has their own preferences. For example, personally, I do not like mushrooms or anchovies on my pizzas. Further, while I will either eat or pick off the mushrooms, anchovies ruin the whole pizza even if I remove them. But that is just me.
Now, please do not think that I am close-minded about pizza toppings. I can remember the first time I saw barbecue chicken pizza on a menu. It did not even come with pizza sauce; of course, they used barbecue sauce. Sounded weird, but interesting. I ordered it, loved it, and started making it at home, on the grill. My wife and I have also successfully experimented with pulled-pork pizza, again with barbecue sauce.
But surely there are limits. Pizza requires good dough, savory sauce of some description, and a complement of cheese, vegetables, and meats. That is what makes pizza a pizza. Notice, this does not include fruit. I have never heard of apples or oranges on pizza. And unlike barbecue chicken, it is certainly not something that I would be interested in or willing to try. I mean, if you want to make an apple tart, I am all for it. But do not even think of trying to add apples to my pizza. Thank you very much.
Which brings us to pineapple and bananas. Bananas seem to be limited to Scandinavia, particularly Sweden. And we all know how emasculated Sweden has become, going back to Second World War neutrality. Who cares what the unprincipled Swedes do? Today with all the Muslims in Sweden, good luck finding a simple pepperoni pie, much less a meat lover's special with any pork.
But bananas on pizza seems so obviously sacrilegious, that I do not think it merits much discussion. It should come as no surprise that the native Swedes are mostly atheist; these people do not believe in anything other than incompetent government, open borders, and vast social welfare. They are morally vacant. This is how you get bananas on pizza. Well, just so long as the pizza is halal, that's alright then. Allahu akbar.
Of course the Swedes have to import the bananas from the third world, just as they import masculinity. Surely there is a link here to be explored in a future post.
Okay so what about pineapple? I first noticed the so-called Hawaiian pizza (ham and pineapple) in the US. I also could not help but notice that this combination was and is particularly popular among the political left. Yes, the soy boys love the culturally relativistic combination. Surely for them, eating Hawaiian pizza is an act of ideological conformity rather than taste. These are the same people who might order a vegan pizza, with kale, sprouts, chickpeas, and a nice tahini sauce rather than a traditional Italian tomato-based sauce.
My question is, when does it no longer merit the designation pizza? Why is it not a vegan salad on a crispy pita? And the answer is because everyone knows what pizza means, and it is not rolled, baked dough with vegetables and meat on a sauce of Italian extraction. No, it is rather rolled, baked dough, with any topping you can find in a large Whole Foods Market.
It goes without saying that Hawaiian pizza is big in Sweden as well. Among the natives anyway.
But it is in Asia where pineapple on pizza has become the norm. If I order a supreme or any combination pizza, not only do I have to say, hold the mushrooms, I must also add, hold the pineapple. And to be fair, there are lots of pineapples in Southeast Asia. Certainly more than bananas in Sweden.
The Swedes do not add bananas to pizza because bananas are locally abundant. No, the Swedes add bananas to pizza to prove how cosmopolitan they are, and that they are not the parochial conformists that we all recognize them to be. Like the soy boys in America, the Swedes add bananas to make a statement. If you doubt this, just imagine peeling a banana and dipping it in Italian sauce. If you still doubt, go on, give it a try.
But if we accept that people will use locally available ingredients in any dish, should we not accept that Asians will add pineapple to their pizza? I mean, the first time I visited a Jollibee, I noticed the Aloha Burger. It seems they add a full slice of pineapple to an otherwise perfectly decent American-style hamburger.
Pineapple on pizza and hamburgers. My problem is not the fact that it is there; like mushrooms, it is easy enough to remove. My question is should pineapple be there at all? Should, of course, reminds us that this is a question of moral character. Like bananas, the addition of pineapple is promiscuous, profligate, ill-considered, injudicious, and self-indulgent. Only hedonistic lotus eaters would shame the whole pizza experience with the indiscriminate tropical influence of pineapple. I mean, what would the Pope say?
Okay, not this Pope. A proper Italian pope?
Of course we have not had an Italian pope since 1978. That was the 33-day tenure of Pope John Paul I. He succeeded the also Italian Pope Paul VI, who is said to have been the last pope of the Second Vatican Council era (1962 to 1965). We remember Paul for implementing many of the Vatican II reforms. Is it mere coincidence that the Hawaiian pizza was invented in Canada by a Greek immigrant, in 1962? I am just asking.
Pineapple on pizza; that is retrograde reform. And like Vatican II, it represents an acceptance of the vernacular, an obvious leftward and disheartening shift in culinary doctrine. And for many pizza enthusiasts such as myself, it is a bridge too far.
So the idea of putting pineapple on pizza is not even Asian in its origin. It was an import of Canadian and Greek heritage. And can we really expect the current Chicago pope to correct this act of pizza desecration? I mean the guy is a White Sox fan. So clearly of questionable judgment.
Must we wait for an Italian pope to correct this ever-spreading global culinary abomination?
And what if the next pope is from the Philippines? Might he not tell the story found in a very obscure Gnostic gospel, long hidden deep within the Vatican archives, where Jesus himself added a humble pineapple to Mary Magdalene's wood-fired, unleavened flatbread, topped with crushed tomatoes, a smattering of goat cheese, leeks, olives, and tiny bits of discarded lamb?
Yes, I think we should expect that.