When I was growing up, my parents and grandparents were a bit fanatical about table manners.
But is there a minimum level that will suffice? Let's make a list. Obviously this is not a list for very informal dining in one's own kitchen. But if you have guests, are attending a dinner party, or any group, or are dining out, these rules apply.
I have written about this before, but let me just again state that this list applies regardless of culture.
- General principle: Respect the sanctity of the table. Maintain decorum, which includes the below rules, and perhaps others as required.
- Eat/chew with your mouth closed.
- Always use utensils (knives, forks, spoons).
- As a host, you may well provide chopsticks for the comfort of your guests, but never use them yourself.
- Do not put anything into your mouth that has not first been cut into a size that will fit in your mouth. Actually, quite a bit smaller. Good manners start with small bites.
- Do not speak with anything in your mouth.
- Smartphones should always be silent, and in fact largely kept away from the table. Calls should not be made or taken while at the table. If absolutely necessary, quietly excuse yourself, and take calls away from the table and/or outside of the restaurant.
- One should always remember that eating together is not about eating. You can do that alone in the kitchen. Rather it is about socializing with the others at the table.
- It is perfectly acceptable to be the first or last to finish, but try to be roughly in sync with everyone else at the table. Adjust accordingly as the meal progresses. If it is a multi-course affair, this rule applies to each course.
- Do not reach. If you can reach something on the table without standing and without reaching over someone and/or their plate, really without reaching through the airspace of their entire place setting, then fine, help yourself. Otherwise, politely ask someone to pass the item to you.
- Supply and use napkins. If you are the host, supply more napkins than needed.
- Babies do not belong at the table. Children can be brought to the table only once they have mastered these basics. Never arrive with uninvited children.
- Only eat and drink or not eat and drink what is provided. Never make special requests. As a host, in order to insure maximum comfort for your guests, you may well ask about dietary restrictions or preferences. But if this is not initiated by the host, let that be the end of it. If you cannot abide by this rule, you should decline all invitations, and only yourself host. Other people are not responsible for your idiosyncrasies.
- However, if you are hosting a vegan dinner party or some other such misadventure, make sure that your guests know in advance this is what you are doing. Being the host also does not make other people responsible for your idiosyncrasies.
- In a restaurant, it should be extremely rare (maybe once in a lifetime) to send anything back to the kitchen. The reason for this rule is that some people use this tactic, and often that is exactly what it is, to assert their dominance. It is a low class move. If the food is not up to your expectations, the way to deal with this is to not return.
- Similarly: Rarely, if ever, complain about anything. Simply keep a stiff upper lip and do not return. No, not even a quiet word to the manager on the way out; no, not even after you have paid the bill. No matter how discreet you are about it, the restaurant is going to believe you are looking for something for free. This is not really about restaurant assumptions; it is about how in fact other people behave.
Are there more? Of course; people write books on this stuff. The more esoteric rules are full of nuance and context and require more study and practice than a simple list can provide. But here I have tried to distill the basics. Because as I look around me, even the basics seem to be lost.